At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm eating all of the evidence.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
