I met the friendliest cop last night
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
