bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just gift wrapped bread.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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