my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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