I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
