I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize