You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
