something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
