Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
