dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
he was CRYING into my vagina
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
