I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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