i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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