redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
