I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
