Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Randomize
