You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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