Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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