i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
