We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I was not drunk enough for that final.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
