Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize