He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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