**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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