Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Holy sore nipples Batman
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
