she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
