im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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