True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you would pick up someone in the library
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
