just come out here and I will go home with you...
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Randomize
