Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
