i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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