On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
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