Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
