haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
