i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
