I heard we made out
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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