Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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