no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
