Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
