Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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