now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
