Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
ugly people sure do ruin things
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
