in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
