shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
