i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
