You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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