he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
