Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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