I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
i now understand why vodka
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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