I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
