i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize