Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
