i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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