im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
