had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
