1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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