i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
