There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
