R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
