I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
