i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize