It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
