Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
