my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My Higher Power is John Stamos
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
