PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
