even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
