My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Randomize
