True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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